Friday, 25 May 2012

Advice Accrued for Others

Here They Are:
* The ability to lose things, animal, material and imaginary!
* The ability to get the wrong end of the stick!
* The ability to avoid winning any raffles, games, lotteries, hearts, or even coming as high as second!
* The ability to lodge oneself up the noses of all around you!
* The ability to be the only one out of 16 lads walking down the promenade at 0600hrs in the morning, who get bitten by the lone wandering mongrel dog the attacked!
* The ability to be injured and immobile, and still fall off of the hospital trolley!
* The ability to fall asleep on the bus and wake up at the local Bus Station depot, unsure of who got the bigger shock, you or the poor bus cleaner!
* The ability to get peoples names wrong, and/or forget peoples names on a regular basis!
* The ability to misplace hearing aids, spectacles, remote controls, memory sticks, camera, pens, and spoons!
* The ability to end up with odd socks at the launderette!
* The ability to take your 5 morning medications at night, and your 6 evening medications in the morning!
* The ability to go into a room, and forget more often than not what you went into that room for!
* The ability to ring the wrong number on the telephone!
* The ability to be completely ignored at Bank queues, Business office queues, Job Centre queues, Hospital queues, Shop counter queues, Inquiry desk queues, Café queues, Pub queues, and by the general public!
* The ability to lose total and absolute control of all and any emissions of wind from your anus!
* The ability to scare people horrendously when you smile and say ‘Good Morning’ to them!
* The ability to lipread wrongly!
* The ability to get on the wrong bus!
* The ability to maintain your life of sorts, despite your constant failings and depression!
* The ability to tell the truth - this will get you nowhere, I know, it just confuses the bosses and politicians!
* The ability to want to help others - a futile quality!
* The ability to eat however much one puts on the plate!
* The ability to almost see your feet looking down passed your ever expanding bouncy belly!
* The ability to walk past a Barbers shop without noticing his prices!
* The ability to remember things from years ago!
* The ability to forget things that happened an hour ago!
* The ability to enjoy using carbolic soap!
* The ability to realise that the adage ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ is valid!
* The ability to realise that ‘Old age people are measured as an economic liability and a social burden!
* The ability to realise that ‘Old age is a mental attitude as well as a physical problem’!
* The ability to become a sociopath, and enjoy it!
* The ability to realise that:  When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are suddenly gone.
* The ability to understand what W. Somerset Maugham meant by ‘An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones’
* The ability to accept and dwell in ones missed opportunities!

Fizz windshields clean with cola

When it rains after a long dry spell, a dirty windshield turns into one big mess.
Get rid of streaks and blotches by pouring cola over the glass.
(Stretch a towel along the bottom of the windshield to protect hood paint)
The bubbles in the cola will fizz away the grime.
Just be sure to wash the sticky cola off thoroughly or your cleaning efforts will end upattracting dust and dirt.

Advice From A Retired Husband

A word to the wise. For all those who are retired and those who hope to retire. I suggest that you pay close attention to Bartholomew Utterwaithes tale.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are overly sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bartholomew.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don’t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating - but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile an do offer encouragement - I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.
I try not to make a scene.
I’m a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri.
I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy!
Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-women jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club!

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